..But Not As We Know It

Grimsby

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 10:07:35 +0100

According to reports, the earthquake has caused two million pounds worth of improvements.

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10 memorable things...

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:33:32 +0100

...that me and D did this weekend

1. I pulled down a laurel tree branch so he could retreive a leaf that he particularly fancied

2. I played 'Jingle Bells' in a raspberry stylee on his belly

3. He finally managed to make a farting noise with his hand under his arm

4. We relaxed on a tyre swing

5. We made pancakes for breakfast. I had jam on mine, he had sugar and squirty cream

6. We hammered little nails into a block of wood as part of a little do-it-yourself arty thingy.

7. We bought a Christmas prezzy for his mam

8. Gave him boxing practice against my upright hand (he hurts now )

9. Taught him to use Excel (he typed in all the numbers from 1 to 100, I didn't have the heart to show him the drag function just yet)

10. Sat on some doorway steps overlooking Diss marketplace eating chips

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The most depressing book ever

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 02:49:23 +0100

I've been putting off reading "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins because I knew what was in it, however I was recently loaned a copy by a friend and I am now dragging my feet through its 400+ pages.

As I thought, it is telling me nothing that I haven't known for many years. In fact I can barely remember a time when I didn't have reservations about the whole God thing. Even when I was 7 or 8 years old; when at school they gave us religous assemblies complete with hymns and prayers; with my mother being a Catholic believer, I can remember asking "who made God".

The "who made God" conundrum is one of the basic tenets of The God Delusion (and let's face it; it's a pretty good first line in an argument for an atheist, and a hefty 6 inch nail in the coffin for a bible basher) but it isn't exactly clever. The clever bit is that a bloke made a lot of money by stating the bleeding obvious.

Other obvious arguments Dawkins makes are:

1. There is no evidence that God is in any way 'good'. In fact, if starving children and suicide bombers weren't evidence enough, then just read some of the bits of the Bible (Old Testemant in particular) where he's a right savage bastard.

2. Darwinian evolution makes so much sense. Not to be confused with Darwinian insurance rip-offs which doesn't seem to make much sense at all.

3. Praying gets you nowhere. Except if you're a bit crafty: ie don't pray to God for a bike, instead pinch a bike first and then pray for forgiveness.

It's not that I disapprove of Richard Dawkins, far from it. His book, The Blind Watchmaker is a superb description of how evolution happens and is well worth reading even if you think you understand the mechanism. It's just that, well I'm not sure if spreading the message of atheism is all that great an idea.

Sure, if a few suicide bombers, or the lunatic creationists in the USA, or the mad Jews who think it's a good idea to set up a country on someone else's land so that we can all have a jolly good hate and perpetual wars against our neighbours, or the Shi'ites and Sunnis or the Catholics and Protestants....etc... IF they were to read this book, then it may suddenly dawn on them what twits they really are and they might stop causing so much suffering. But it aint going to happen. The thick gits are more likely to buy a 100 copies and burn them in the streets than actually read one.

So that leaves us athiest to read what to us has been pretty bloody obvious for many years. And that's my problem.

You see, being an athiest isn't easy. In fact it must be the worst thing in the world. Only us athiest know we're going to die. We have to live each day with the knowledge that our lives are just a flash of light in between two vast darknesses and hence, pointless. If you're an athiest you'll know what I mean. If you're agnostic, you'll have your doubts too. If you're religous then you'll be wanting to spout something like "let God into your life", to which I would say, "no thanks, I've heard enough about your religion to know that there's more sense in the Beano than in your holy book".

What I need from a book about atheism is something along the lines of "This whole God thing is a load of bollocks and we're all going to die, but its okay because......"

Of course I have no idea what comes next because from where I'm standing it all seems so very very depressing. On the plus side, I still have 200 pages left to read, maybe it will turn out to have a happy ending after all Keep yer chin up!

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Modern Romance and that

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 14:10:20 +0100

Yesterday, I manged to find a quiet moment with my wife and plucked up the courage to confess.

I admitted to her that I'd been doing it with other women. It was an uncomfortable moment but I was relieved that she acknowledged that we hadn't done it together for years, I'm away from home 5 nights a week and I need somehow to pass the long winter evenings.

No I know what you're thinking. Your thinking 'ah that Xylophone, he's a bugger, trying to make me think he's writing about sex when actually he's going to start going on about Scrabble or karaoke. Well dear reader, you're wrong. My wife and I have certainly had scrabble and karaoke together during 2007 and although we don't do it as often as we used to, both are still a special part of our relationship.

I'm actually talking about dancing. Salsa dancing in fact. I read an article years ago about different ways to cheer up depressed people and the main conclusion was that dancing - whatever type of dancing - usually worked. So, when I found out that someone I worked with was a salsa teacher, I resolved to give it a crack. So off I went on Thursday evening to a hall in Canterbury to join about 60-70 others of varying abilities and various numbers of left feet.

My previous experience of salsa was limited to the excellent album Adventures In Clubland by Modern Romance which was one of my favorites in the 1980s, but I had the vague idea that you listen to some rythmic music, move your booty and get a little jiggy with the ladies. My guess was approximately right, though the promise of a girl/boy ratio of 3 to 1 did turn out to be a bit of an exageration; it was more like 6:5 I'd say.

Still, it was a bit of fun and I'll probably go again next week despite the fact that it will mean me missing Scrabble club (great game Scrabble but the music's non existent and no one ever got jiggy with me doing that). Whether or not it becomes a serious hobby or not remains to be seen. I suppose it depends on whether I'm any good at it or not.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modern_Romance_%28band%29

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title-3317661

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 01:29:22 +0100

Another in a series of things I have been doing.....

I've been sort of wandering around in my mind over the last 36 hours (a) trying to remember some of the bits of Friday night that have gone missing, (b) thinking how much of a great night it was, (c) thinking life should be enjoyed like that more of the time, and (d) wondering how can I make sure that it is.

My answer to (d) is radical change in my life - a paradigm shift no less. The answer to (e) is fuckedifIknow.

On Friday night I met up with some friends I'd worked with in Hertfordshire and it was a year since I'd last seen some of them. It wasn't so much that we were drinking heavily, it was more that we started drinking just after 6pm and didn't stop till about 5am. We started off at MD's house, moved on to a pub in Stevenage, and then returned to MD's house to do some serious damage to his wine supplies before crashing exhasted.

On Saturday morning MD made breakfast before I left around midday. In all that time, apart from the 4-5 hours sleep, the conversation flowed effortlessly. It felt that we all really enjoyed each other's company. The only time there was an awkward moment was when someone smacked me on the head after I'd made a teasing remark. As I remember it, there followed a shocked silence that lasted at least one sixteenth of a second, thereafter the incident seemed very funny.

(Mind you, I was quite drunk at the time and I'm thinking that maybe I was just behaving like that bloke in the advert who thinks he's Superman chasing after the balloon.)

The last sentence notwithstanding, I have come to the conclusion that I have in the past regarded this lot as just some people I worked with and have a few things in common. It has dawned on me today that actually they are my friends.

To the casual reader, indeed to anyone who is not me, this may seem like an odd thing to say. But my life has been one where I have had friends, who when I look back, wanted me to be something I wasn't. A true friend is someone who enjoys my company for what I am....

Oh bollocks; I'm certainly not inebriated tonight but I think I've completely failed to get over what I was trying to say. I can't be bothered trying to get it right anymore and there's no way I'm going to delete this now so make of it what you will....

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The lonliness of the long distance statistician

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 22:28:31 +0100

Just a quick update on my life...

(this is not funny, nor fascinating. If you want to be entertained read some of my other stuff instead - it's fecking brilliant)

I left my job in Herefordshire (because I hated the opressive atmosphere and I felt I was stagnating professionally) on the 16th October.

There then followed a two day conference which I was not only instrumental in bringing about but was actually chairing and presenting at. It seemed like a great success and might be the best acheivement of my career so far.

The following Monday I started a new job at a blue-chip company in Kent - 200 miles from home. It's a year's contract and the money is excellent but after I deduct the cost of living away from home I don't suppose I'll feel too much better off. Still, it's a slightly different field for me and I'm expecting to learn loads during the year.

10 working days in and I've done nowt useful yet. That's right, they've been paying me exorbatant money for me to sit around reading SOPs and waiting for someone to come round and set my computer up. So workwise it's been a bit frustrating. But what about the social life eh??????

10 nights away from home and I've been in two pubs and drunk 3 pints of beer (not counting the cans and bottles I've had in the isolation of my rooms). It's a bit crap sitting in a pub by yourself and there hasn't even been a football match to watch, quiz to go to or a karaoke to star in. In short, I'm lonely.

Regular readers will know that I suffer from periodic bouts of depression and I can feel it coming on now. Mind you, I knew it wouldn't be easy so I'm not surprised at all. It's only for a year and I'm sure things will improve both inside and outside work.

I've also got internet and a mobile phone so I've no excuse for being lonely really. I just am.

Last week I stayed in B&Bs and that was ok. Had a telly and a cooked breakfast and an american couple to talk to. This week I've moved into a shared house and you'd think that would be better. My housemate (there is a vacancy for a third) is a canny bloke from Ireland who teaches French and Spanish when he can (he's a supply teacher so gets about 3 days work a week). He's been around Caterbury for a few years so has a network of friends. We seem to get on all right but it just feels odd to me.

Anyway, I guess the partying starts tomorrow because I've located Canterbury Scrabble Club and I'm going to kick their sorry arses!

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How come...

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 14:59:49 +0200

Documents are usually printed in portrait yet computer screens are landscape?

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Amazon taking the P or what?

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 12:47:10 +0200

Hello, Xylophone,

We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated Keane: The Autobiography by Roy Keane have also purchased Alan Shearer My Illustrated Career Special Edition by Alan Shearer with foreword by Sir Bobby Robson. For this reason, you might like to know that Alan Shearer My Illustrated Career Special Edition is now available. You can order yours for just ?90.00 by following the link below.

Alan Shearer My Illustrated Career Special Edition
Alan Shearer with foreword by Sir Bobby Robson
RRP: ?100.00
Price: ?90.00
You Save: ?10.00 (10%)

I'd pay ninety squid to shove it up their a----s

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New Job: Do not read

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 12:43:59 +0200

Thanks for reading but this blog is simply another in my 'for poserity' series.

I leave my current job on 17th October 2007 and start my new job in Kent on the 22nd.

You may now go off and read something more interesting

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Floods - don't read

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 23:14:27 +0200

Last Friday my workplace was flooded out. It was an eerie experience as a run-of-the mill drizzly day led to a river flowing through the site and a lake in my office. My enduring memory is of wading about in warm rainwater up to my knees trying to reposition the sandbags and some planks.

Now my office smells.

Although I live on the Gloucestershire/Herefordshire border, apart from the intermittent rain, we have had no problems at home.

I write this for posterity not for your information nor entertainment and I did advise you not to read it so it's your own fault that you've wasted time that you will never get back.

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I'm not bi-curious, honest

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 00:29:28 +0200

Whilst writing an entry in one of my other blogs about weather 'forecasters' I was reminded of a gay experience I had the other day.

You may not believe my protestations but I have to state first of all that although the act I was involved in was entirely voluntary and I could have said 'no' at any stage, I did feel in some way coerced; I was given a stark choice, neither options were easy and to my shame, I chose the gay way out.

Looking back I think I may have made the right decision. But that does not mean that I will be pushing my cheesy wheelbarrow up the bourneville boulevard or anything like that.

So what happened? Well, I was at work having a meeting with one other male and a female. At the end of the meeting we had to walk between two buildings, a distance of about 50 yards. As we left the meeting building I was informed that the weather had taken a turn for the worse. It was spitting. It was that fine rain, the sort that goes right through you.

Being from Sunderland, where no one has ever died from rain, I was not unduly concerned. However, I was dumstruck when my male colleague revealed that he had anticipated the precipitation and had brought us an umbrella each.

I was horrified. This was Bill. A married man whom I'd previously had the greatest of respect for and he was enticing me to use an umbrella. I'd never carried an umbrella for about 3 decades. I looked into his eyes and saw no glint of passion, just a hard, confident, masculine look that said 'this is the right thing to do, let's try to enjoy it'.

We carried the umbrellas for what must have been about 30 seconds but felt like a dirty weekend in Brighton. Although I was deeply ashamed I must confess I was strangely aroused. I couldn't wait to get home, have a hot shower and roger the missus.

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Adventures in Luton

Fri, 11 May 2007 13:24:01 +0200

A little while ago, Luton was voted as the worst town in Britain. Few would argue.

Last weekend I met up with some former colleagues for a jaunt to see Sunderland play at Luton. We made a strange bunch: Me a Sunderland fan, MA a dilutee Sunderland fan, MI a Luton fan (who knew Kennilworth Road when it was a cowfield), R a Derby fan and MD a rugby fan.

We met up at a random pub in Luton, called The Railway. My God it was manky. A couple of beers in there and a 10 minute walk to the ground.

Through MI's clever negotiating skills, we'd managed to get tickets for Luton's poshest stand. In Luton, posh is a relative term. I was shocked to find that £26 had bought me a cramped seat behind two pillars. I was also sitting next to the fattest welshman in Luton that day.

I was only slightly surprised that I recognised a few accents of other Sunderland fans who had apparently obtained tickets for the Luton end by an assortment of ruses ranging from buying up Luton fans' season tickets outside the ground to joining the Luton membership scheme several months earlier.

But the full scale of the invasion was not apperent until 2 minutes into the game when Sunderland scored their first of 5 goals and I jumped up to cheer along with about half the others in the stand. Quite amusing for us but probably a bit intimidating for the Luton fans, although I don't think there were any serious problems.

After the game we found another pub that was very much out of context with its surroundings - ie it was smart. Another 2 drinks then we said goodbye to MI and R and set off back to MD's home in Royston where MD, MA and me carried on drinking till late.

I had a bit go on the karaoke (Blue (da-ba-de) and Labeled with Love). Bought and ate some southern fried kurdish chicken. Had some more drink. Then woke up the next day in some beautiful young lady's bed.

That's about it I suppose, for my trip to Luton. Sorry the story wasn't a bit more exciting - it seemed very enjoyable at the time. Thanks MI, MD, MA and R it was a good day.

PS. The young lady in question was MD's daughter and she was in Greece at the time. Hope I didn't mess her bedroom up too much.

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Another good reason to visit Mumbai

Fri, 04 May 2007 11:17:01 +0200

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/6620461.stm

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Health update

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 13:18:40 +0200

My spirits are quite high as the SSRI effect starts to kick in.

My right thigh has been bothering me for a couple of years now and is still a bit sore when I go for a run but it's bearable.

No styes or cold sores at the moment.

Back ok.

Knees ok.

The athlete's foot has cleared up now; as has the jock itch.

But from time to time I get an incredibly itchy arse.

What is it with thse body parts and why do they take it in turns to annoy me?

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The 5 Whys

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 23:49:44 +0200

Why haven't I been blogging lately? Because I have had no creative inspiration.

Why have I had no creative inspiration? Because I have been suffering from depression.

Why have I been suffering from depression? It's just something that happens to me. It has happended on and off for as long as I can remember. Usually I can cope with the rough and tumble of life but about once a year I drift down and all my problems seem unsurmountable. I also get momentary attacks of intense depression which in extreme cases have resulted in me blacking out for a few seconds. For a few days thereafter I'm pretty useless mentally. No doctor I have spoken to has ever heard of this before and nor do they seem to care. The best theory they have offered is that I get dips in my seretonin ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serotonin ) levels.

Why does this just happen to me? I suspect it's genetic: One of my brothers and my sister use medication to get by. By other brother uses alcohol.

Why is it genetic? That's a tricky one. Maybe being depressed gives evolutionary advantage. Maybe if we were all happy then we wouldn't need to reproduce to give us some hope for the future.

You'll be pleased to know I'm now on the SSRIs ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SSRI ) and feeling a bit better now.

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Excitement mounts

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 23:47:42 +0100

We're having a weekend at centreparcs. Me, the wife, Daniel, Daniel's mam and a few others*.

It's going to be lovely. Days spent in the sub-tropical swimming paradise and evenings barbecuing on the patio whilst the squirrels wait for the scraps.

Oooh; can't wait

*actually, we're going to sneak a 7th person into a 6 person chalet (but don't tell anyone)

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Not the Bottom Inspectors

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 23:38:32 +0100

If you work anywhere near a research lab you'll know that the scariest couple of days of the year are when the GLPMA inspectors come round. They basically pick a few things that your lab has done over the past year and go through it like with a fine-toothed comb. The objective is to ensure that British labs stay at the forfront of world research in terms of quality, clarity and ethics.

For any lab this is a scary time because they have the power to shut you down, and they have been known to use that power in the past.

This is my 8th experience of an annual inspection but so far they haven't been too bothered what the statisticians get up to. Until today.

They have been taking a close look at my work today and although I'm confident that there's nothing seriously wrong, there's always something they can find. So I'm a bit anxious as to what they will say.

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